Just the other day, I grinned at the noise of rainfalls gliding across the ground outside my window. I could comprehend the freshness in the air. You know that scent-filled feeling you get when it rains? You smell grass, and water, and outside, and you know the leaves are jumping for joy at the sounds of droplets. It forces everyone to feel the necessity of a blanket, a mug and an above average show on Netflix. I was cozy.
Just the other day, I felt euphoric as I sat down with a bowl of my favorite salad from chic-***-* with a new episode of my visual podcast, listening to people tell me their perspective on the same life we live. As I took each bite, I sneered a little to myself constantly whispering “This is what happiness is.” It was beautiful. I wished for nothing more.
Just the other day, I laughed so hard when I got on the phone with a high school friend, reminiscing about the immaturity that made life so exciting back then. Memories does something to people, especially good ones. It makes you relieve each moment with such reality that you could taste the air as if it were still back then. Our conversations were filled with mockery and false infatuation of the people we knew back then. It was simply blissful.
Just the other day, I sat front row at a ballet show and wondered how people were so talented. It made me ponder how their lives are so different from mine, its like we come from two different worlds. I smiled and felt proud watching these dancers live their dreams. I didn’t know who they were but I could feel their hard-work being recognized. I even met some people and made myself open to having conversations about life. The amusing thing about making new friends is the version of yourself you choose to give them. I chose the best.
Just the other day, I was engaged on a call with my family and joy filled the phone. Somehow seeing my mom laugh so hard till she couldn’t breathe as my brother and I texted on the side was so wonderful. So much pointing fingers and snickering emulated out of each sentence. We were all in different parts of the world, but I never felt closer. Each sentence made me feel understood and acknowledged. This is what they always feel like. I was grateful.
Just the other day, I felt bold. I felt like I could conquer the world. I didn’t have any armor nor advantage to win life’s challenge, but I felt strong. I was going to see it through the end and succeed. I felt peace in my heart and joy. I looked all around me and knew there was lava on floor, but I was standing in the middle of it, unscathed, smiling and laughing. I felt powerful, nothing could get to me. I was a happy fool.
Just the other day, I lost everything I ever owned or came in contact with. But I felt it was necessary. A part of me was distraught at thought of these entities not being in my life anymore, but I felt it was necessary. I knew it was an answer to a prayer for removal of things that didn’t belong in my life. And no matter how painful it was, just like kites, they were let go. Praying that they meet someone new who is ready to love them. I felt relieved.
Just the other day, I felt a wave of peace infiltrate the air in my home. As I cleaned, I felt joy. It’s that feeling you get when your parents wake you up on a Sunday morning with church music telling you to clean. It was the last thing you wanted to do, but it gave you comfort and peace when you did. You found yourself, staring at your family and wishing moments like this never leave you. There was an aura of content and progress. As I picked up the pot and knife to prepare a meal, I felt a familiar feeling: happiness. That’s what my kitchen means to me. It meant pure happiness. I needed to open a cafe when I retire, I must.
But just the other day fades into today.
And today I can’t help but feel so empty, a little lost, a lot more confused. I am embracing that I don’t know where I am going anymore. Every few months, like just the other day, I feel content, I feel sure, I feel ready. However, today I am back to square one.
Is this normal? Do I even want to be normal? I feel like Im wasting away. I used to say I felt like I was on a boat that was ready to go to the right destination, but I didn’t have a guide map. And some-people would tell me to just keep paddling and eventually you’ll make it to the other side. Now I feel like I lost the boat, I tried another one, and lost that one, and I can’t see anybody at sea anymore. I have to make it to my destination somehow, but how?
I have been searching for the right direction and still haven’t found it. Will I ever find it? Were they the problem, or was I the problem? When is it my turn? When will this stage of my life be over?
People say “The best thing about pain, is that it doesn’t last forever” but how close can it get till forever?
deepwithindarkness 