An Ode to you

Maybe you’ll remember where i pour out my heart and find this or maybe you won’t, but this is a message to you.

I lied.

I’m not okay.

I don’t know when I’ll be okay

I’m trying to convince myself it’s all part of the process

But I don’t know how long that’ll hold

I miss you , i love you

We shared something that I’ve never felt before and it hurts knowing i might not feel that ever again

I’m trying to be strong

Strong so you don’t see how much i care

Strong so I don’t see how much i care

You used to be the first thing i saw in the morning and last thing i held on to at night

Now our stares hold so much pain and hurt

Our car rides are so silent but our hearts are so loud.

Sometimes i think

What if i never pushed you to tell me how you really felt, could i have enjoyed you for a little longer?

Would i be better off walking in this path aimlessly as long as i could still hold you and kiss you?

And what hurts is, i can’t fix you.

It’s scary cause that has no due date so should i wait or move on?

I really don’t want to.

I don’t know if this “friendship” thingy is the right path or it’s only going to cause me more damage.

I think to myself, maybe I’ll get so used to see you regularly and it’ll desensitized my feelings

But, what if it hurts more? Being around you and knowing i should not stare when you aren’t looking, touch your chin when you drive, grab your hands while we walk or kiss you when no one is looking.

And the worst part is, the words i never heard you say, you said it to me after the fact.

How am i supposed to heal when you tell me you love me now?

************************************************************************

I don’t know if you’ll ever find this or be able to read this but i needed somewhere to really say how i feel. Not the strong and hurtfilled words i disguise in a joke, but the ones I’ve always wanted to say.

Maybe we’ll be at a different point when you find this. Maybe We’ll be over each other and smile upon this, maybe we’ll be with each other and reminisce to this, maybe you’ll find this now and feel guilty like you always seem to do, maybe not.

I’m laying here on a very memorable day, i graduate in a couple of hours, yet all i can think about is you. So i write with tears falling down my face.

You asked me if I’m nervous to graduate. No, I’m nervous because it means i might really lose you.

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